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J. Pople: The Family as the Key to Social Integration
Written by Joy Pople, UPF International
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Every culture throughout the world affirms the crucial role of the family in promoting social integration, intergenerational solidarity, and a healthy society. Confucius taught that a happy and prosperous society depends on people fulfilling their proper roles in the family, especially towards their parents. He taught that the father/son bond is the model even for the relationship between a ruler and his subjects. The Qur'an emphasizes kindness to parents as a core virtue. The cultural importance of the family is also emphasized in the Judeo-Christian tradition, and the Bible traces blessings and responsibilities through generations of families. The earliest writings in India, the Rig Veda and the Laws of Manu, also devote considerable attention to the family.
The family is the school of love and the very foundation for a harmonious society. Calling it the school of love elevates the traditional image of the family, with family members cultivating their heart through the many dimensions of loving relationships. Just as immersion in a language is the most effective learning experience, the constant reinforcement and practice of love in the family provides the perfect learning environment.
To regard the family as the school of love integrates both the private and public functions of the family, promoting social cohesion and intergenerational solidarity. The love we receive at home provides the framework for realizing our destiny as individuals and as a society. Without the dimensions of love provided by the family, people become stunted as human beings. That which makes us truly human comes from the unique love that can only come to a person through his or her family. This is the greatest legacy that can be passed on from generation to generation.
The family transmits values and traditions through the generations. In the typical course of life, a child grows up among siblings and peers, gets married, and becomes a parent. These are the basic stages we pass through in life. Each successive role is added like a mantle to the previous ones. Each one opens a new realm in our heart. Human beings naturally express love in four directions: to our parents, our siblings, our spouse, and our children. These form four realms of heart: child’s love, sibling’s love, spouse’s love and parent’s love. The bonds of an extended family and all other forms of human love derive from these four types of love. In order for individuals to reach their full maturity of heart and to become the reflection of God, they need to experience these four realms of heart.
Some roles arise simultaneously, as when an infant is born both as a son and a brother. From a developmental standpoint, however, each realm has its “season.” The season of each realm is when it is the focus of development. But passing into a new realm does not end the development of the previous ones, because the realms impact each other in dynamic ways throughout the lifetime. For instance, when siblings gather to celebrate a wedding or mourn at a funeral, their bonds of heart may be refreshed and deepened. Each realm includes both a role and a norm. These norms include the responsibilities, attitudes, and virtues associated with each realm. Each culture has norms for the perfect wife, the model child, the exemplary father, and so on. Details very from culture to culture, yet beneath the diversity lie common denominators of caring and commitment. And in all cultures, the family matrix prepares people for wider roles in society.
Child’s realm of heart
Since God is our parent, it is in the relationship with their parents that children begin to experience and understand the heart of God. The very arrival of an infant gives birth to parental love. Babies need much care. As they are fed, clothed, bathed, held, and played with, they experience the commitment of their family to attend, nurture and protect them. The parents’ eyes, voice, touch, and responsiveness speak volumes about life in the world. When the children’s needs are met, they learn that it is safe to open their heart. In such a surrounding, children learn that the people close to them are supportive and good. This wordless communication penetrates deep in the child’s realm of heart.
As the child’s first attachment is to its parents, the parent-child bond is key to moral development. Attachment enhances the growth of heart and capacity for empathy. Our ability to recognize and feel another person’s pain, suffering or joy as our own is the basis for our capacity to give love, take responsibility and have fulfilling relationships with others. Empathy emerges even in young children who have a warm bond of attachment with a parent. Out of love for the parents, children usually obey them; eventually they learn to control their impulses because this pleases the parents. Children gain increasing parental love and approval as they take on increasing responsibilities appropriate to their age. The parents’ words that the child hears gradually become the guiding voice from within the child.
The same heart that first develops in response to parental love becomes the core motivation for interaction with the larger community. Those who have developed bonds of trust with their parents are able to follow instructions and receive guidance from others. They are not afraid that supporting and serving others will diminish themselves. They can bring out the best in their teachers and supervisors and may even come to inherit their positions. The extension of filial piety includes loyalty and patriotism. In many languages, one’s nation is called the fatherland or motherland.
Young children tend to respect and obey their parents, thinking that their parents are complete and all knowing. Parents stand in the position of God and carry the responsibility of conveying truth, beauty and goodness to their children. Early positive bonds with parents can remain influential throughout adulthood and offer a secure base from which to form other significant relationships, including, most importantly, their relationship with God. This realm of filial piety continues far beyond childhood and bears fruit in mature devotion; children may have the opportunity to care for their parents in old age.
Sibling’s realm of heart
In the sibling’s realm of heart, love becomes more reciprocal, as children learn to give as well as receive. Like all relationships, it takes effort to develop deep bonds of heart with our brothers and sisters. In this realm of heart, however, the key relationships are not limited to brothers and sisters. Rather, they include all peer relationships, including friends and colleagues.
A firm grounding in parental love and attention helps children to develop their identity and deal with the complex challenges of relationships with neighbors, classmates, cousins, and peers. Such peer relationships offer opportunities to develop friendships with many different kinds of people. Friends can be enormous resources for emotional, cognitive, and social learning. Such interactions give children the opportunity to practice virtues essential for fitting into the community and carrying out their life work of contributing to the larger society.
On the one hand, adolescence is an invaluable time for exploring the potentials of peer relationships and learning about one’s self through building harmony with others. On the other hand, when attraction to the opposite sex is awakened, adolescence can be a treacherous period if the innocent trust and natural curiosity of youth become misdirected.
On one level, these premature experiences damage the heart of the individuals involved. The modern tendency is for adolescents to rush into a physical intimacy that is appropriate only within the commitment of marriage. A premature sexual experience often changes the course of a young person’s life irreversibly. Chastity and self-discipline during this crucial period of life is not restrictive, but instead brings the true freedom that comes from being able to love others in the truest sense. The Pure Love Pledge exemplifies this:
Spouse’s realm of heart
The union of man and woman in true love reflects the nature of God. God has the characteristics of masculinity and femininity, or positivity and negativity. Human beings, who were created as the substantial object of God, were created as man and woman. Therefore when man and woman marry, they become substantial plus and minus representing God. They are a physical expression of the nature of God.
As well as becoming the reflection of God, the marital union also becomes the dwelling place of God. The purpose of the creation was for the experience of joy in reciprocal relationship. This joy comes when the creation, especially mankind, comes to resemble God. When loving individuals join together as husband and wife, then resemblance is fulfilled. It is at this point that people, too, experience the act of creation.
Conjugal love represents the fulfillment of horizontal love. It intersects with vertical love as it bears fruit in children. The love between husband and wife, therefore, has many dimensions. While the fundamental relationship is that of spouses, their interaction may sometimes be like that of brother and sister or parent and child. A man may express a fatherly heart towards his wife, and a woman may express a motherly heart towards her husband.
The key element is this relationship, however, is the commitment of both individuals to something more significant than their own individual happiness. In the World Peace Marriage Blessings, the couples view their participation as having great significance. Therefore, their commitment to the relationship has far greater depth than a hope for personal happiness.
Fulfillment in the spouse’s realm of heart is a lifelong endeavor that grows and deepens over the years into an irreplaceable richness of shared experiences. Over the lifetime, married couples experience many changes. Babies are born, and loved ones die. Romantic delusions evaporate, hormones ebb and flow, and the glow of youth fades into wrinkles. There are high times and low times, health and illness, oneness of soul and temptations to stray. Couples whose bond remains strong have truly created an enduring kind of love. The wisdom, maturity and integrity that grace a lifetime of love and commitment make such devoted couples invaluable mentors for anyone whose life they touch.
The key difference between this realm of heart and, for example, the sibling’s realm of heart, is that it is exclusive. While children can benefit from healthy relationships with many adults, and adolescents thrive on friendships with many people, marriage is an exclusive partnership. In the marriage vows, a man and a woman entrust themselves completely to each other. The sexual bond between husband and wife is the physical expression of two mature lovers joining into one in total openness and trust, with nothing standing between them. The profundity of the marital union on both the physical and emotional planes means it can occur meaningfully with one and only one person.
The conjugal realm of heart is reserved for the emotional and psychological intimacy between two mature beings who share their deepest thoughts, feelings, dreams, bodies, possessions, home, and children with each other. It is worthy of honor and ceremony, as well as community support.
The most important objective for husband and wife is to achieve oneness of heart. It is this oneness that creates the freedom to relate in these different ways. The intensity of unconditional love between husband and wife is more valuable than their good looks, education, possessions or social standing. Conjugal love is built upon absolute trust and fidelity. When that trust is strong and love is mature, then the couple is ready for the challenges of parenthood. Our commitment to the continued growth of our spouse foreshadows our role as parents.
Parent’s realm of heart
The relationship between husband and wife has an impact beyond their personal happiness. It is crucial to their role as parents, which is one of the most transforming experiences of life. A harmonious, loving, committed and selfless marriage creates an environment where children can feel secure, have their needs met, and learn positive patterns of behavior. A good marriage is a necessary foundation for success in the parent’s realm of heart.
The parental heart yearns to expand and multiply love. Parental love evokes the noblest emotions and most unselfish actions from ordinary people. Because of its other-centered nature, the parent’s realm of heart is most conducive to moral growth. There are natural transition phases in the school of love, such as the nine months of pregnancy during which husband and wife can prepare their hearts as parents.
Parental love is the most demanding and sacrificial of all the realms of heart because it is closest to the heart of God. It requires constant investment and sacrifice. The foundation of these qualities is compassion, a profound understanding of people’s suffering and a willingness to aid them. Parenting calls for qualities of character such as sacrifice, generosity, patience and forgiveness. Genuine love transforms everything, converting ugliness into beauty and bad odors into perfume. For the sake of their children, parents are willing to do anything and go anywhere.
The parents’ most unforgettable gift to their children is their unconditional love. A parent’s love is unconditional, and its reward is the child’s well being and happiness. Parental love is the vertical axis around which the family revolves. Parental love is selfless, giving everything for the sake of the child.
Parents invest their constant love and guidance, with the fond anticipation that their children will develop all the realms of heart and some day become parents themselves.
The family roles of child, sibling, spouse, and parent are the most fundamental roles in all of life. These are the four main types of love, each with its unique realm of experiences and responsibilities. Within each realm, we learn those virtues that comprise a mature character. Investing in these significant relationships deeply enriches a person’s life. This means that the family environment and these four realms of heart are critical for any consideration of moral development. Our life, love and heart unfold and develop through the limitless range of experiences in each of these realms.
Each realm supports and participates in the next, while each successive realm requires a greater degree of responsibility and unselfishness than the one before. Success in each realm is determined by the degree to which values of the preceding realms are embodied. Our capacity to love increases as we learn to overcome self-centered desires and develop our capacity to live for the sake of others. Ultimately, we seek to possess a genuine heart of love and stand as a true parent.
Society as the extension of the family
Ethical behavior in society is linked to the development of good family relationships. A person’s deep inner morality is formed in the four realms of heart. When we create bonds of love with many family members, we develop a well-rounded, balanced character and can relate comfortably with many kinds of people. If we are well schooled in love, we treat other people as an extension of our own family. We can respect an old man on the street as our grandfather. We can treat a woman at the cash register as our sister. We can fondly admire boys and girls playing in the schoolyard as our children.
The love between parents and children can be extended to relationships between superiors and subordinates, such as leaders and followers, employers and employees, teachers and students, heads of government and citizens, and people of different generations. The pattern of sibling relationships extends to relatives, friends, neighbors, co-workers, and fellow-citizens of the same generation. Conjugal love between husband and wife opens the husband’s heart to the depth of femininity and the wife’s heart to the depth of masculinity.
Furthermore, cross-cultural families offer the opportunity to build bridges between cultures. When husband and wife are from different cultures, nations, races, or religions, they face additional challenges in growing to understand, respect, and appreciate these differences. Their children have the opportunity to learn and incorporate the best of their parents' cultures. As relatives, friends, and neighbors witness the depth of love in such families, their hearts may also be opened to a broader range of people. Each such family thus can help spark an awareness of belonging to the larger human family.
There are dual purposes in our lives. Our innate desire to find value through contributing to a greater good is called the whole purpose, and our desire to maintain and benefit ourselves is called the individual purpose. Families, communities, nations, and indeed all beings have both purposes: to contribute to a larger whole as well as to benefit the self. Saints and other enlightened and unselfish people realize that serving the whole purpose is the most perfect way to fulfill the individual purpose.
However, many people pursue only their own self-centered individual purposes, thus creating the hell of selfishness and hostile competition that casts a cloud over life in this world.
Social cohesion is grounded in the family where members attend to the well-being of each other. When families contribute to the well-being of their community, the community prospers, offering benefit and protection for its families on which it depends. The same principle can be applied to relations between organizations of citizens and their nation, and relations between nations and the world. Sharing what we have received with others is the natural way of life. It conforms to the ecology of nature, in which all creatures are constantly giving and receiving in the interconnected web of life. As my family lives for the sake of society, the society prospers and my family shares in its prosperity. As organizations live for the sake of the nation, the nation prospers and so do all the organizations within it. As the nation lives for the sake of the world, the world’s prosperity extends to all nations. This is the great circle of life—giving and receiving the energy of love.
In a civil society, the individual and collective purposes naturally support each other. The whole supports the welfare of its constituent parts, and when these parts prosper they are better able to contribute to the whole. An overemphasis in either direction can have disastrous consequences. Giving priority to the individual purpose over the whole purpose is one of the main relational problems in marriage and causes many social problems. Selfish individuals are like cancer cells of a body, sapping the society of its productive energy. If numerous enough, they can cause the downfall of a civilization. Similarly, an overemphasis on whole purpose can lead to oppression and a loss of individual freedom.
There are three initiating, or subject, roles that are learned in the family: parent, teacher, and leader. These roles, grounded in God’s identity as True Parent, True Teacher, and True Owner, set the standard for leadership in society. Parents have the greatest responsibility and are the natural leaders in the family. They are also natural teachers, by their words and example. The care, investment, and sacrifice that are cultivated in the parent’s realm of heart form the ethical foundation for all people who are entrusted with such a role.
Parents are initiators in the realm of love, teachers are initiators in the realm of truth, and leaders are initiators in the realm of achievement. Parental love shapes the children’s heart and character. The role of teachers is to impart practical knowledge and help their students learn right from wrong. The role of leaders is to create the environment in which people can accomplish things, prosper, and achieve their potential.
The roles of parent, teacher, and leader are linked together. Business people should show love and concern for their employees and teach them with a parental heart how to be successful. Teachers create a caring environment in their classroom through their parental heart, guiding their students through their words and example. Leaders initiate, guide, and make plans. Good leaders recognize the impact of their personal example and strive to raise people up through their expression of heart. These standards apply to parents, teachers, and leaders at any level.
Each of us is connected with other people in a variety of ways. We look up to people, and others look up to us. As we respond to parents, teachers, leaders, and mentors we admire and others respond to us, we advance social integration and intergenerational solidarity.
A commentary on the theme of the UN International Day of Families 2013, adapted from International Educational Foundation materials